3 Aug 2022

Did i really think he was the answer to my loneliness?…That this sadness inside me will go away if i had a boyfriend? Maybe i wasn’t born with this inside me….but it has been there for a long time. Instead of trying to distract myself from it I should learn to live with it. To contain it to myself and not impose it on anyone. How long will I run away from it? He is a nice guy. He likes me. He has a good future ahead. I should not be emotionally closed off to him. He deserves better than that. But I should be careful. I don’t want to drag my past into this. But….what if i am robbing him of his chance to be with someone better? Someone who isn’t so depressed and sad. ..so fake….someone who is good for him . Someone who knows how to make him happy? The risk i took is huge. I don’t think I will recover if this ends . I like him…i do….but I am too tired to do all that stuff people in love do. I am too afraid to let myself be vulnerable. To show any emotion that makes him think he has any influence over me. I know it’s not fair but i don’t want to be hurt anymore. I don’t want any more fuck ups